Am I ever going to stop being this sad? I can't remember ever being this sad in my life…

 Monday was an okay day. Karen came in and brought me some beautiful white tulips and a couple of soothing candles, she made me a little memorial table… Cindy started it and Karen just added on to it. It is so beautiful! She fed dude and then got me dressed and up in my chair. The guys from West Coast mobility, Bill and James, came by to fix my ring doorbell and to install my new motor for the ceiling lift… This one's going to be a lot better because before we have to line up the lift with the charger and make sure there's a yellow and green light, a lot of times it never got charged. With this one the remote plugs into the wall so there is no question that it's being charged, it also beeps three times to let you know. Dude and I took off for a cruise through Depot Park, down to the end of the wharf and back and over to the boardwalk. When I got over to the boardwalk I looked at my battery indicator and it was really low so I decided to turn around and go back home, I forgot I was driving around in an unpredictable chair. If my chair breaks down I don't really have anybody to rescue me because Adriana is gone to Utah for a week and Omar isn't back from Mexico yet. I made it home and into the house and I was so happy except that it was only 1:30 PM and Rosa doesn't come in until 4 PM, we did some commands and hung out outside… The weather was beautiful. Rosa came in and took Dude out to go potty and fed him, she put me to bed and then fed me. she buzzed around for a little bit and then went home. My aunt sent me a picture of the most beautiful butterfly I have ever seen! One of her ex-tenants from the triplex started collecting caterpillars and giving them an enclosure to morph into butterflies and even after moving they still stay in touch. I added some pictures to my blog, listen to music, cried a little, and then finally watched 90-day fiancé before I drifted off to sleep.

 Tuesday was a nice relaxing day. I keep thinking one day I'm gonna wake up and just be okay and stop crying at everything. Cindy came in and fed Dude and then fed me. Maria from the Woofpack texted me last night and told me that one of Robby and Dude's best friends at playgroup passed away today, she was a  Hound dog named Mary Margaret and she was so adorable and sweet! Mary Margaret's mom Barbara sent me a really sweet email telling me how much her dogs adored my dogs and vice versa. We've been emailing back and forth and were going to get together in a few weeks and reminisce about our fur babies. I decided to let Dude go back to the puppy play date today and Thursday so he could visit with the captain, Mary Margaret's brother. Sometimes it's really hard to tell the captain and Dude apart, I hope they can comfort each other a little bit. I got a box today from priority mail and when Cindy opened it up I couldn't believe it, it was a supersoft blessed blanket that one of the ladies from CCI made… I looked up her website and she has made a lot of these for sick dogs and for dogs that have passed. It smelled really good, like baby powder and it was so soft! It came with a really amazing card that was so sweet! It made me feel so good! One of the guys that were in team training when I got Dude told me that somebody wanted to send me something and asked for my address, I gave it to him but I was certainly not expecting this! Cindy fixed it up minimize little basket and put it with Robby's memorial. I listen to music, edited photos, watch TV, and try to sleep a little before Rosa came in. She fed Dude and then fed me, I feel a little bad because every time I start talking to anyone I think of something and start crying so I really not that talkative and I sincerely hope that nobody takes a personal. I just think it's fast that I'm alone right now. Rosa cleaned up and then left and I just watched 90-day fiancé and a couple of other T-bone shows just to make some more room on my machine, I think it's like 2% empty. Today was just a really sad day and I hope I can just go to sleep.

Wednesday was a nice relaxing day.  Susan came in to give me a nice long two-hour massage, I really needed it! Karen came in and fed Dude and then she fed me, we did some personal care and of course a nice hot relaxing bath. I'm not in a very good mood today and I just want everybody to get done with what they need to do and leave me by myself. I listen to music most of the day and watch some shows on TiVo, not really paying attention because I'm playing cribbage online with nobody in particular. Rosa came in and fed Dude and then fed me although I really wasn't hungry I just kinda went through the motions so she could go home for the evening. For the rest of the evening, I watched 90-day fiance: happily ever after? Explain a little bit more cribbage until I fell asleep.

Thursday was a pretty good day. Karen came in and fed Dude and then fed B and got me dressed up in my chair when I was about halfway dressed I remembered that today was going to be Dude's last day with the Woofpack, he was so excited to go but we need to get back on our schedule.  I finally called Nick from Bay area gate and he said he would come out and fix my gait, I had sent him three or four emails but I guess he must not read his email. I really hate the phone but sometimes I just have to call somebody. After Dude left I decided to just go out on a cruise by myself, I've been cold the last several days and it's supposed to be 80°. It was too hot to wear a sweatshirt but really too cold to wear a thin long sleeve shirt. I cruised down to the end of the boardwalk and back, down to the end of the wharf and back and I was going to go downtown to see if I could get a Sim card for my phone, It is totally out of room. I didn't want to get stuck so I decided to just wait until my brother gets here, he is supposed to be here at three PM and it sounds like it's going to stay for a week. I came back and rested for a bit just-in-time to say hello to my brother Stanley, he flew here from Oregon. Rosa came in and put the groceries away that I ordered from Instacart, I ordered them from Costco and of course, I ordered way too much stuff… The guy was texting me as he was putting the groceries on the back porch and he said "Fun fact… I live right next door to you. Small world! He said he just moved in last week. Rosa sent fed Dude and then put me to bed and then fed me. She headed home and I just watch TV until I fell asleep.

Friday was a pretty nice day. Karen came in and fed Dude and then fed me, we decided that since it was going to be 95° today she was going to get me dressed and up in my chair so I can cruise around with Dude for a while before it gets too hot and then come back at 2 PM so we can do personal care and a nice long hot relaxing bath. I turned out to be a great decision, Dude and I took off over to the wharf and I told my brother that Nick was going to come by and fix the gate in the driveway… It quit working a week or so ago and I emailed him a couple of times but I finally called him and got a hold of him. I was cruising around the wharf and Nick called me and told me that someone had unplugged the gate and that's why it wasn't working, it's plugged in behind the chase in the living room. I came back just as he was leaving and it was still early so I decided to cruise over to the boardwalk and back, it was starting to get really hot so we just cruised back. I watch TV for a while until Karen came in, she started putting me to bed and I remembered that Dude had an appointment at the vet at 2:20 PM so she called her husband and they cruised Dude down to the vet, it was quite a shuffle but he made it there on time. She came back and put me to bed and then we did some personal care and a nice long hot bath, Karen always makes it really nice there with candles, bath tea, essential oils, Himalayan salt, and rose petals… I have roses in my yard so Adela or Cindy put them in a vase in my room and then when they start to wilt we put them in a bag so we can use them in the tub. I got back into bed and I noticed I missed a webinar that I signed up for on moving on after a spinal forward injury.  I ordered some memorial plaques and statues for Robby and they're starting to come in, I probably ordered way too much stuff like I always do but I just couldn't stop myself… It made me feel better. My mom and Stanley went across the street to play cribbage with my uncle and aunt. Karen got me some leftovers steak, baked potato, corn on the comp, and salad. After she left I watched TV until I fell asleep.

Saturday was a long relaxing day. Cindy came in and fed Dude and then fed me. I knew it was going to be really hot even before I had a chance to get up so I decided to stay in bed. There have also been thunderstorms along with the really hot heat, what the heck is that all about?? I listen to music for a while and then I watched another webinar I signed up for about electrical stimulation and the benefits of it after spinal forward injury, it was really interesting. I watched TV for a while and then watched a stay at home Michael Franti concert that I signed up for, about halfway through it the electricity went off but luckily I have a generator so I didn't miss a lot. My monitor went off and it's supposed to come right back on because I have a backup battery on it but for some reason, it didn't so I tried to get Alexa to call my brother and then my mom but that didn't work either, luckily my mom came downstairs because they could hear my bed beeping and turned it back on for me. I texted Trish to tell her it was starting in five minutes, I invited her over so we can watch it together and social distance but I guess you misunderstood and tried to watch it at her house but missed most of it because the electricity went off. She messaged me after and said she missed most of it and I told her I thought she was coming over but she said because of their jobs, her husband works for Parks and Recreation and she's a teacher, they are still not going into people's houses. The concert was really great, I just adore this guy, what he believes in and especially his music. They added three more stay-at-home concerts so course I signed up. My mom and Stanley went across the street again to play cribbage with my aunt and uncle, they have been asking me to play but I just don't think I'm ready to be around people that much right now… I think I'm doing okay one minute and then the next minute I'm falling like a big baby. I really don't cry very often and I prefer that nobody saw me so I opted out.  Jennifer, By an aesthetician, texted me and said that they closed her down again but she set up a big tent in her backyard and she was going to work from there so I'm going to see her on Thursday. I watched TV for a while and I was out.

Sunday was another long relaxing day. Cindy came in and fed Dude and then fed me, I think from now on Sunday is going to be breakfast burrito morning because I love them so much. She washed some close and straightened out and then went on home. There is this place online called Unifury, they make sweatshirts, T-shirts, mugs, campus paintings… Anything you can imagine and it's all personalized. You fill out how many people, animals you want on the item and then you can personalize it with hair color and length, skin tone, and breed. It's really awesome! I've gotten several items and I wanted one for a memorial for Robby, they will also put Angel wings if the person or animal has passed. I messaged them and told them I only one of the dogs on my sweatshirt because I'm in a chair and their service dogs so they actually drew a wheelchair and sent it back to me for my okay… How cool is that?? They sent me back the proof to okay and it looked great exhalation point. I didn't even think about getting up since Karen was going to come in at 2 PM to do some more personal care and a nice long hot bath. I listen to music and downloaded pictures of the wharf off of the Internet since I'm not getting out there with my camera I just felt like looking at some beautiful pictures. Karen came in at 2 PM and fed Dude and then we get some personal care and a nice long hot bath, I wasn't very hungry after but I ate a little bit and then watched the newest episode of 90-day fiancé… I am so addicted to this show I can't wait for the whole week to go by so I can watch another episode.  When Karen took Dude out to go potty she noticed that my marijuana plan had totally wilted, it was doing really good until this heatwave hit us… I like to take the leaves and put them in and rubbing alcohol and rub it on my arms neck and shoulders when they're sore.  I looked on the Internet for some pictures of the thunderstorms that we been having, the first night they were really bad. I watch Dr. Phil until I fell asleep.

Am I going to get my chair fixed this week…

Monday was a really long day with a lot of bad news. Karen came in and fed the boys, it's so hard these days to try to get something that Robby wants to eat, and it's even harder to get him to take his pills. Once he does take everything, he feels a lot better but is so stressed anymore, and I feel so helpless. We turned me over, and it looks like were going to have to do some more personal care, I wish I knew what was wrong with my stomach. It's continuously bloated, I'm starting to post on spinal cord injury sites to see if there's someone else out there that has the same problem. As of tonight, I'm quitting all of the cannabis and eating nothing, but what Heather makes for me, I'm keeping a food journal to see what I eat and how it makes me feel each day. I wonder if a lot of this stress from Robby, sometimes I think we feed off of each other because I noticed he's at his worse when he's around me. We didn't finish personal care until about 3 PM so gave me a lot of time to think, Karen says that she thinks maybe I need to have a good cry, I just don't cry and if I do it doesn't last very long. I'll try anything at this point.  I bought a dog playpen with the gate to put at the bottom of the stairs so Robby can't go upstairs and my aunt and uncle came over and set it up for me, it was really long and took up most of the living room, but Adriana figured out how to take it apart and make it smaller. I watched TV for a while and watch Robby moving around outside on the camera, he loves to be out on the back porch. Rosa came in and fed the boys and then fed me. My uncle and aunt came over to play cribbage with my mom and me, my mom was my partner, and I think we can even. I was exhausted, I watched TV for a while and then fell asleep.

Tuesday was another long day. Cindy came in and fed the boys and then fed me, and I decided to stay in bed. Actually, I don't trust my chair right now because it kept dying on me the other day, so I'd rather stay in bed where I know I'm safe. I wasn't really thinking about it because Robby's not doing so well. Still, Maria messaged me from the Woofpack and asked if I would like to send the boys there for the day, they don't do anything except lay around, and Robby LOVES it over there, and he gets a lot of attention so I thought that would be a good idea. They said they are willing to cater to whatever Robby needs to make him comfortable. Maria sent me several pictures, and videos and Robby does look a lot happier there, so I figured it wouldn't hurt. Also, dude gets to expend some energy. Cindy cleaned and straightened up before she went home, I got a picture that I ordered from Wayfair, so she hung it up for me. They brought Robby and Dude back, and they both laid down to rest for a while. Rosa came in and fed the boys, although Robby didn't really want to eat… She's not eating much anymore. We tried different things so we could get some food in him so he can take his pills, he takes a steroid and has a couple of pain pills, one for anxiety and one for nausea. He likes to be outside so I put him on the back porch and also I can watch him to see if he's uncomfortable. Rosa fed me, and then she scooted around cleaning up before she went home. I always panic a little bit when everybody goes home because I watch Robby roaming around looking uncomfortable, and it breaks my heart. I texted Adriana to see if she could come back and give him an anxiety pill, but then he settled down and went to sleep, so I told her she didn't need to come by. It was a long night of watching TV and watching Robby, but I eventually fell asleep.

Wednesday was another long day. Karen came in and fed the boys, again it was tough to get Robby to eat anything, and he wasn't looking very good, so I called to take him back over to the vet… These days I just always seem to feel better when he's at the vet in case he needs something/anything they can take care of him better. I keep thinking he's going to bounce back like he always has, but I think this time he's not going to. Karen fed me and then we did some personal care and of course a nice long hot relaxing bath, Cindy started bringing in roses from my yard because I just love them and after a few days Karen would collect the flowers and put them in my bath, it just makes me feel so pampered and happy. She put me back to bed, and I basically only watched TV all day until Rosa came in. She fed the boys, and of course, again, Robby just doesn't want to eat anything and spits his pills out; we eventually got him to eat some food and take his pills. She fed me, I don't seem to help much of an appetite these days either but I had a little bit just because I thought I should. She write down my wheelchair, I have so much stuff on my chair that I haven't noticed that it's getting really dusty. Numotion asked me to take a picture of all sides of it, so when they come out to fix it, they'll have a good idea what parts they need. I need to make sure it gets cleaned more often. I watched TV for the rest of the night, and I noticed that I had missed a call from the emergency vet, Robby's test results came back and he has lower intestinal cancer… There is a treatment, but it could possibly make him more miserable, and it might only give him another month, so I stayed up all night deciding what to do, although there's only really one thing that needs to be done. I pretty much cried all night long. I don't want him to be uncomfortable or in pain anymore; she said such a great life, and this is no end-of-life and no quality of life.

Thursday was the saddest day of my life. Karen came in and fed the boys and then fed me. I decided to get up even though my chair isn't working the best, but I wanted to be able to hang out in the yard with Robby, the Woofpack came to get Dude so I could hang out with Robby all day and Dude won't be sad. Soon as I got in my chair, I called Westside animal Hospital and asked if one of the doctors could call me back so I could discuss what to do about Robby. I talked to the doctor for a long time, and she agreed that Robbyy's quality of life is just not enjoyable anymore and it's time to let him go, she was going to find out when they had time to do the procedure and call me back. She called me right back and said they could do it today at 3:30 PM, I called all of my caregivers and my close family and gave them the option of being there or not. My mom, my aunt, Rosa, Adriana, Cindy, and Karen all said that they would like to be there, so we all loaded up in the van and drove down to Westside Animal Hospital. They had it all set up with the table so I could reach Robby, they initially said they would just put a blanket on the ground, but my aunt asked if they could put a table so I could reach him. They had set up really nice with flowers and cheers for everybody, they asked me to give him a couple of his anxiety pills before we took him in and they gave him one shot to sedate him and another one that just puts him to sleep. They were just so wonderful about everything, Dr. Shuman and Dr. Martinelli came out to tell us what was going to happen and Dr. Shuman gave him the shots… Today was his day off, but he wanted to come in just to say goodbye to Robby.  We all cried, and the rest of the day was just a blur. Adriana took me to Safeway to get my lorazepam, I was sure I was going to need that, and then she came home and put me to bed. Everybody got a bunch of adorable pictures, Rose's son Josh and Adriana's son Nico came by to say goodbye before we left. I feel so lucky that I found this family, they are so loving and caring. Karen has been here the longest, and she loves Robby so much, as they all do. As heartbroken as I was, there was just a relief to know that he's not in any kind of discomfort or pain anymore. I feel like it really hasn't hit me yet, although every once in a while during the night, I just burst out crying and couldn't stop. I eventually fell asleep, probably because I took two Lorazepams. I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again, just so sad.

Friday was just a big blur. I decided last night before I went to bed to post on Facebook that Robby had passed; I posted mostly, I think because I wanted people to know so, they don't ask me how Robby is doing..whenever I run into people that know him they always ask me. It just makes me burst into tears. Karen came in and fed Dude and then fed me, we did some personal care and a nice long hot bath. I was just really sick the whole time, and a couple times I thought I was going to throw up, I haven't thrown up for many years, so I hope that doesn't happen. One minute I'm okay, and I can concentrate, and the next minute, I'm just a blubbering idiot, and I just can't keep it together. Luckily I don't have to see too many people, my mom came down to see if I wanted to play cards tonight and I said yes, but I think I'm going to opt-out… I don't want to keep losing it in front of my family. I would rather wait until I buy myself, so Karen left. I had her put a bucket and a washcloth by my bed just in case. The whole time Karen was here, I couldn't keep my eyes open that issue she left; I cannot sleep. Adriana came in with some flowers and a card from Westside Animal Hospital, that is so sweet! A little while later, my aunt came in with a succulent plant from Dave, Anna, Deziree, and JP; it was awesome. While Adriana was getting me something to eat, Cindy came in and brought me up a big beautiful bouquet of flowers; these guys are amazing! Heather came in to say hello but couldn't stay very long. After I ate, she brushed my teeth and wash my face, and went home for the night. I watched TV for a while and looked at some pictures of Robby before I fell asleep.

Saturday I really wanted to stay in bed but decided I better get up, Dude and I both need some fresh air and a nice long cruise. Cindy came in and fed Dude and me, got me dressed and up in my chair. I ordered some bath teas from world market a while back, and I run out of them, so I wanted to order some more, but they only had in-store pickup soy ordered them online and will pick them up along our route of errands today. Whenever I take the dogs out to go potty I'm starting to notice how bare the fence is in the dog run now that I decorated the fence in the driveway, so I think I'm going to start collecting stuff to go back there, I would like to have a planter the length of the fence in the back, so I can also put some more morning glories, passionflower, and teacup and saucer vines. Our first stop was at world market, and of course, we had to look around to see if there was anything else in there I couldn't do without and of course there was. We then went across the parking lot to Ross, and I found a shower curtain, something staying on the back fence and some nautical potpourri well just because… We went across town to the other Ross in Capitola and looked for some more stuff to decorate the fence and the yard, I'm really hoping that we can get back into doing some parties and barbecues again… As soon as this pandemic nightmare is over. We got back, and Dude and I set out for a little cruise down to the wharf, as we went by the triplex I can see the back gate was open and saw my aunt and Adriana back there straightening everything up because a new tenant is moving in next week. It looked like the butternut squash had taken over the backyard, so they wanted to clean that up. They were showing me all of the caterpillars, cocoons, and last but not least, the butterflies… My aunt has been lucky enough to videotape a couple of the butterflies busting out of the cocoons… It's really quite amazing! We went on our cruise and room we got back we rested for a bit, and Adriana came in. I've had a craving for Thai food, so Adriana drove me down to get some fried squid and some eggplant delight, eggplant with ground-up chicken and shrimp in a spicy curry sauce, it is so awesome! She came back home and put me to bed after she fed Dude, and then she fed me. I watched TV for a while and drifted off to sleep.

Sunday was a beautiful long relaxing day. Cindy came in and fed Dude and then fed me; I don't have much of an appetite these days, so I'll be needing a lot of fruit and nuts. Cindy finished up the laundry and then said she was going to take off, usually when I stay in bed, I like to pick something to straighten up in my room, but today, I would just like to be alone. I pretty much listen to music, looked at pictures of Robby, and cried all day long… Karen keeps telling me I need a good cry. Karen came in at 2 PM and fed Dude and then fed me. We did some personal care and a nice long hot bath, and I was really ready to just get back to bed and just do mindless stuff; I really don't want to think about anything, so I played some candy crush, solitaire, and cribbage. I was glad to be back in bed and done with personal care, tomorrow I can just get up and go cruising around. I wanted to watch the new 90-day fiancé, but I fell asleep.