Monday, August 10, 2020

Am I going to get my chair fixed this week…

Monday was a really long day with a lot of bad news. Karen came in and fed the boys, it's so hard these days to try to get something that Robby wants to eat, and it's even harder to get him to take his pills. Once he does take everything, he feels a lot better but is so stressed anymore, and I feel so helpless. We turned me over, and it looks like were going to have to do some more personal care, I wish I knew what was wrong with my stomach. It's continuously bloated, I'm starting to post on spinal cord injury sites to see if there's someone else out there that has the same problem. As of tonight, I'm quitting all of the cannabis and eating nothing, but what Heather makes for me, I'm keeping a food journal to see what I eat and how it makes me feel each day. I wonder if a lot of this stress from Robby, sometimes I think we feed off of each other because I noticed he's at his worse when he's around me. We didn't finish personal care until about 3 PM so gave me a lot of time to think, Karen says that she thinks maybe I need to have a good cry, I just don't cry and if I do it doesn't last very long. I'll try anything at this point.  I bought a dog playpen with the gate to put at the bottom of the stairs so Robby can't go upstairs and my aunt and uncle came over and set it up for me, it was really long and took up most of the living room, but Adriana figured out how to take it apart and make it smaller. I watched TV for a while and watch Robby moving around outside on the camera, he loves to be out on the back porch. Rosa came in and fed the boys and then fed me. My uncle and aunt came over to play cribbage with my mom and me, my mom was my partner, and I think we can even. I was exhausted, I watched TV for a while and then fell asleep.

Tuesday was another long day. Cindy came in and fed the boys and then fed me, and I decided to stay in bed. Actually, I don't trust my chair right now because it kept dying on me the other day, so I'd rather stay in bed where I know I'm safe. I wasn't really thinking about it because Robby's not doing so well. Still, Maria messaged me from the Woofpack and asked if I would like to send the boys there for the day, they don't do anything except lay around, and Robby LOVES it over there, and he gets a lot of attention so I thought that would be a good idea. They said they are willing to cater to whatever Robby needs to make him comfortable. Maria sent me several pictures, and videos and Robby does look a lot happier there, so I figured it wouldn't hurt. Also, dude gets to expend some energy. Cindy cleaned and straightened up before she went home, I got a picture that I ordered from Wayfair, so she hung it up for me. They brought Robby and Dude back, and they both laid down to rest for a while. Rosa came in and fed the boys, although Robby didn't really want to eat… She's not eating much anymore. We tried different things so we could get some food in him so he can take his pills, he takes a steroid and has a couple of pain pills, one for anxiety and one for nausea. He likes to be outside so I put him on the back porch and also I can watch him to see if he's uncomfortable. Rosa fed me, and then she scooted around cleaning up before she went home. I always panic a little bit when everybody goes home because I watch Robby roaming around looking uncomfortable, and it breaks my heart. I texted Adriana to see if she could come back and give him an anxiety pill, but then he settled down and went to sleep, so I told her she didn't need to come by. It was a long night of watching TV and watching Robby, but I eventually fell asleep.

Wednesday was another long day. Karen came in and fed the boys, again it was tough to get Robby to eat anything, and he wasn't looking very good, so I called to take him back over to the vet… These days I just always seem to feel better when he's at the vet in case he needs something/anything they can take care of him better. I keep thinking he's going to bounce back like he always has, but I think this time he's not going to. Karen fed me and then we did some personal care and of course a nice long hot relaxing bath, Cindy started bringing in roses from my yard because I just love them and after a few days Karen would collect the flowers and put them in my bath, it just makes me feel so pampered and happy. She put me back to bed, and I basically only watched TV all day until Rosa came in. She fed the boys, and of course, again, Robby just doesn't want to eat anything and spits his pills out; we eventually got him to eat some food and take his pills. She fed me, I don't seem to help much of an appetite these days either but I had a little bit just because I thought I should. She write down my wheelchair, I have so much stuff on my chair that I haven't noticed that it's getting really dusty. Numotion asked me to take a picture of all sides of it, so when they come out to fix it, they'll have a good idea what parts they need. I need to make sure it gets cleaned more often. I watched TV for the rest of the night, and I noticed that I had missed a call from the emergency vet, Robby's test results came back and he has lower intestinal cancer… There is a treatment, but it could possibly make him more miserable, and it might only give him another month, so I stayed up all night deciding what to do, although there's only really one thing that needs to be done. I pretty much cried all night long. I don't want him to be uncomfortable or in pain anymore; she said such a great life, and this is no end-of-life and no quality of life.
Thursday was the saddest day of my life. Karen came in and fed the boys and then fed me. I decided to get up even though my chair isn't working the best, but I wanted to be able to hang out in the yard with Robby, the Woofpack came to get Dude so I could hang out with Robby all day and Dude won't be sad. Soon as I got in my chair, I called Westside animal Hospital and asked if one of the doctors could call me back so I could discuss what to do about Robby. I talked to the doctor for a long time, and she agreed that Robbyy's quality of life is just not enjoyable anymore and it's time to let him go, she was going to find out when they had time to do the procedure and call me back. She called me right back and said they could do it today at 3:30 PM, I called all of my caregivers and my close family and gave them the option of being there or not. My mom, my aunt, Rosa, Adriana, Cindy, and Karen all said that they would like to be there, so we all loaded up in the van and drove down to Westside Animal Hospital. They had it all set up with the table so I could reach Robby, they initially said they would just put a blanket on the ground, but my aunt asked if they could put a table so I could reach him. They had set up really nice with flowers and cheers for everybody, they asked me to give him a couple of his anxiety pills before we took him in and they gave him one shot to sedate him and another one that just puts him to sleep. They were just so wonderful about everything, Dr. Shuman and Dr. Martinelli came out to tell us what was going to happen and Dr. Shuman gave him the shots… Today was his day off, but he wanted to come in just to say goodbye to Robby.  We all cried, and the rest of the day was just a blur. Adriana took me to Safeway to get my lorazepam, I was sure I was going to need that, and then she came home and put me to bed. Everybody got a bunch of adorable pictures, Rose's son Josh and Adriana's son Nico came by to say goodbye before we left. I feel so lucky that I found this family, they are so loving and caring. Karen has been here the longest, and she loves Robby so much, as they all do. As heartbroken as I was, there was just a relief to know that he's not in any kind of discomfort or pain anymore. I feel like it really hasn't hit me yet, although every once in a while during the night, I just burst out crying and couldn't stop. I eventually fell asleep, probably because I took two Lorazepams. I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again, just so sad.
Friday was just a big blur. I decided last night before I went to bed to post on Facebook that Robby had passed; I posted mostly, I think because I wanted people to know so, they don't ask me how Robby is doing..whenever I run into people that know him they always ask me. It just makes me burst into tears. Karen came in and fed Dude and then fed me, we did some personal care and a nice long hot bath. I was just really sick the whole time, and a couple times I thought I was going to throw up, I haven't thrown up for many years, so I hope that doesn't happen. One minute I'm okay, and I can concentrate, and the next minute, I'm just a blubbering idiot, and I just can't keep it together. Luckily I don't have to see too many people, my mom came down to see if I wanted to play cards tonight and I said yes, but I think I'm going to opt-out… I don't want to keep losing it in front of my family. I would rather wait until I buy myself, so Karen left. I had her put a bucket and a washcloth by my bed just in case. The whole time Karen was here, I couldn't keep my eyes open that issue she left; I cannot sleep. Adriana came in with some flowers and a card from Westside Animal Hospital, that is so sweet! A little while later, my aunt came in with a succulent plant from Dave, Anna, Deziree, and JP; it was awesome. While Adriana was getting me something to eat, Cindy came in and brought me up a big beautiful bouquet of flowers; these guys are amazing! Heather came in to say hello but couldn't stay very long. After I ate, she brushed my teeth and wash my face, and went home for the night. I watched TV for a while and looked at some pictures of Robby before I fell asleep.
Saturday I really wanted to stay in bed but decided I better get up, Dude and I both need some fresh air and a nice long cruise. Cindy came in and fed Dude and me, got me dressed and up in my chair. I ordered some bath teas from world market a while back, and I run out of them, so I wanted to order some more, but they only had in-store pickup soy ordered them online and will pick them up along our route of errands today. Whenever I take the dogs out to go potty I'm starting to notice how bare the fence is in the dog run now that I decorated the fence in the driveway, so I think I'm going to start collecting stuff to go back there, I would like to have a planter the length of the fence in the back, so I can also put some more morning glories, passionflower, and teacup and saucer vines. Our first stop was at world market, and of course, we had to look around to see if there was anything else in there I couldn't do without and of course there was. We then went across the parking lot to Ross, and I found a shower curtain, something staying on the back fence and some nautical potpourri well just because… We went across town to the other Ross in Capitola and looked for some more stuff to decorate the fence and the yard, I'm really hoping that we can get back into doing some parties and barbecues again… As soon as this pandemic nightmare is over. We got back, and Dude and I set out for a little cruise down to the wharf, as we went by the triplex I can see the back gate was open and saw my aunt and Adriana back there straightening everything up because a new tenant is moving in next week. It looked like the butternut squash had taken over the backyard, so they wanted to clean that up. They were showing me all of the caterpillars, cocoons, and last but not least, the butterflies… My aunt has been lucky enough to videotape a couple of the butterflies busting out of the cocoons… It's really quite amazing! We went on our cruise and room we got back we rested for a bit, and Adriana came in. I've had a craving for Thai food, so Adriana drove me down to get some fried squid and some eggplant delight, eggplant with ground-up chicken and shrimp in a spicy curry sauce, it is so awesome! She came back home and put me to bed after she fed Dude, and then she fed me. I watched TV for a while and drifted off to sleep.

Sunday was a beautiful long relaxing day. Cindy came in and fed Dude and then fed me; I don't have much of an appetite these days, so I'll be needing a lot of fruit and nuts. Cindy finished up the laundry and then said she was going to take off, usually when I stay in bed, I like to pick something to straighten up in my room, but today, I would just like to be alone. I pretty much listen to music, looked at pictures of Robby, and cried all day long… Karen keeps telling me I need a good cry. Karen came in at 2 PM and fed Dude and then fed me. We did some personal care and a nice long hot bath, and I was really ready to just get back to bed and just do mindless stuff; I really don't want to think about anything, so I played some candy crush, solitaire, and cribbage. I was glad to be back in bed and done with personal care, tomorrow I can just get up and go cruising around. I wanted to watch the new 90-day fiancĂ©, but I fell asleep.